All in a Days Work
by thesockpuppet
Summary: [Chaptered] [Authored by maboroshi-hime] In which the Fullmetal Alchemist Mary Sues of the past, present, and ones-yet-to-be-written are tragically brought to an end.
1. Day of Retribution

**Title :** All in a Day's Work  
**Part:** 01/01  
**Series:** Fullmetal Alchemist  
**Author: **maboroshi-hime  
**Email**: et3rnalsilence666ATyahooDOTcom  
**Genre:** Humor/Parody  
**Rating:** PG  
**Character/Pairing:** Everyone  
**Warning:** Sue-bashing  
**Spoilers:** Does not take place in the canon.  
**Feedback:** Yes, please.  
**Disclaimer:** Arakawa-sensei gets all the work and I get all the fun.

**All in a Day's Work**

It all started on a dark stormy night. Don't they always?

The very next day, Edward Elric found out that he had a long lost twin sister who lost her left arm as opposed to his right arm, also in a desperate heartfelt attempt to bring her mother back even though she wasn't informed of her death until the day before.

The very next day, Alphonse Elric discovered that his childhood sweetheart, whom he never met, was alive and waiting for him in Central with her best friend, Ravyn.

The very next day, Winry Rockbell met a girl who looked and acting disturbingly like her, and was a much better mechanic and a State Alchemist on top of all that.

The very next day, Lieutenant Jean Havoc, much to his horror, awoke next to a beautiful sleeping maiden. She was pregnant.

The very next day, Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye introduced her twin sister, not separated at birth, but one that she just so happened to forgot to mention during all those years in service. Her twin had a much better shot than Riza and kept on asking about Colonel Mustang, who was no where to be found.

The very next day, Major Fury was seen running in fright from a big-busted woman who kept proclaiming her everlasting love for him.

The very next day, Envy, Lust, and Gluttony were informed to the existence of Jealousy, Passion, and the lesser known metrosexual form of Avarice.

The very next day, Kimbley was about to blow up a city when it suddenly exploded, courtesy of a mysterious redhead.

The very next day, Hohenheim was confronted by a mysterious 11-year-old girl claiming to be his daughter, which was odd considering he hasn't gotten any since he left Trisha 15 years before.

The list goes on, but eventually, everyone had to seek out Colonel Roy Mustang for assistance, seeing how he was the one missing, therefore the only one who could bring salvation to the masses. Imagine the odd sight that greeted the poor man as he emptied a suspicious pile of ashes into the bushes.

Even the inviolable, dignified serial killer, Scar, was on his knees, begging for retribution.

Sometimes, it's a damn inconvenience that everyone wasn't a Flame Alchemist.

Sighing, he ushered the women into his house. Even the most stoic of them all could not resist an invitation to see him in the nude. As soon as the last one was inside, the Colonel quickly barred the door. Then, nearly breaking his fingers, snapped them as hard as he could. Philosopher Stones were gladly provided by the homunculus as Ed looked on, silently seething.

Those who weren't incinerated were beheaded as soon as they crawled out of the demolished house by Ed, who nearly lost his mind after 50 different girls claimed to be his sister and even more his girlfriend. He was assisted by Al, who unleashed his legions of terror (what has four legs, a tail, and lives in a suit of armor?) upon the unsuspecting horrors of humanity.

The next day, Roy's house was rebuilt, bigger and better than ever. He was granted Carte Blanche by the Fuhrer himself and everyone gave him a great big hug and kiss- yes, everyone.

Who said anything about the lips?

---

A/N: This is IzzyB AKA maboroshi-hime. I'm the one who wrote the little waste of webspace you see above.

No offense to those who write original characters. I'm not the one who likes picking fights with people (that would be Talia), butsome of these plot-holes are just asking to be made fun of.

Reviews are welcome.  
Praises are loved, criticism is cherished, and flames provide endless entertainment.


	2. mary sue

Ladies, and gentleman, we have FLAMER!! xD

In response to '**mary sue**', who tragically left no profile/email/way of contact, Izzy decided that since that person didn't feel the need provide a character bio, we'll make one for her!

This is dedicated to you: **mary sue**.

---

There was once a child. She was absolutely perfect in every imaginable way. Her hair was soft and shone with ethereal light, her presence was as calming as that of an angel's, and most of all, her heart was the most pure and golden of all.

She grew up with a sad past- her mother disappeared when she was little and her father hated her for resembling her mother. As a child, she was endlessly picked on for her perfection all the way until she finally summed up the courage to leave her godforsaken town. Shortly after she was continually harassed, she decided that it was the absolute last straw and decided to dedicate her life to defending the perfect from those who were simply insanely jealous.

Everywhere she went in Amestris, she was disgusted. From Central to Yoswell, every time a beautiful girl attempted to open her mouth and talk to a certain golden haired youth and his suit of armor, a masked figure with a club would tackle said beautiful girl and bash her with said club. And the golden haired youth would never notice the beautiful girl getting mutilated, something that she just could not stand.

Finally, one day, she caught one of the masked figures, pinned her against the wall, and screamed in her face, "Why are you doing this to these poor girls?!"

The masked figure said nothing. She shook that person some more and still, nothing. Finally, that person opened its mouth. "We are protecting the canon," it said. Then, it reached into its pocket, drew out a vial, and poured the acid straight onto her face.

It was in that way that the poor child who just wanted to defend the perfect lost everything. Afterward when she tried helping, the misfortunate girls, who did know that she was trying to save them, screamed in fright every time she came near them, unknowing that they were driving away the only one who could've saved them.

And in Amestris, since the 'canon' was successfully defended, Ed and Al's destinies continued onward, exactly in the way the Creator deemed. Anything otherwise, was purely in the fantasies of the Perfect Girls'.

---

Anyone else? Please, though, unless you want to end up like poor **mary sue**, it's much appreciated for you to leave some character in your flame. A whole bunch of purposely misspelled errors and not leaving an email/profile tells us that you have no character whatsoever.

Hope you liked it!


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